Holy cow, has it already been two months? Man, I'm so bad with this consistency thing hahaha. Well, needless to say, school and work have started up again, and both are doing a good job of keeping my busy. I've got 15 units, which is the standard amount, but I am working quite a bit plus doing some ministry/club stuff on the side. Overall, it just adds up and take a good chunk out of the week...
Anyways, one of the ideas that was just sorta drifting around in my head was how to deal with an inconsistency of ethics. Uhm, that's not the best way to word it, but I'm having trouble of thinking of how else to say it, so let's go to a story example...
A few years back when I was talking with Dave (Dave's usually somehow involved in these stories haha), probably around my senior year, he was talking to me about how people change as time goes on. Yes, this does seem simple and kind of a dumb statement to make, but even though we have the head knowledge for it it's just weird to actually see things change over time. His main point did pertain to people, though. People are highly variable, especially as time progresses. It's easy to see one person who you originally thought was so strong, whether mentally, physically, spiritually, etc. start to feel the withering effects of time come upon them. Case and point, my brother's friend...
I don't know her name, and even if I did it sorta would be a violation of confidentiality, so yeah, no names... But, this friend of Dave's was a high school friend, which means Valley Christian High School. My writing is primarily geared towards that went to Valley, but just in case if you didn't, Valley had a huge emphasis on living a Christian life/ideal, hence the name. Unfortunately, when something like this is forced, you can run into some problems... Two of the most obvious are that people rebel like crazy and go completely against the rules and institutions that are set up. I don't really think this was a problem for the years that I was here, so we'll just sorta ignore that thought. But, the problem that was most noticeable to me was that a double life starts to become the norm. People are able to put on their Christian face when teachers and other classmates are around, yet do what they want once they are alone/with other friends. Once people hit college, they realize that this facade is no longer needed and they don't need to keep it up anymore. Of course, please don't think I'm saying that this happens to everybody, everybody does this, or this will happen. It's just a few of the possible situations that may arise due to the setting of a Christian campus...
Anyways, one of the things that is also sought out and very negatively looked upon at a Christian campus is hypocrisy. Well, it's not only true for a Christian campus, but I always felt that it was more prevalent in that setting. Well, as mentioned, Dave happened to run into an old friend that was from Valley. At the time that he had met her, it was around her second year of college, maybe slightly earlier or something (my memory is failing, sorry). They were catching up, and Dave recalled to me how this girl was always one of the most charismatic Christians on campus. They would always be the one to lead rallies, participate in Christian stuff on campus, and anything else that you can think of a stereotypical Christian school. Well, as they were catching up about life, one of the things that the girl happened to mention is that she was a single mother now and raising a kid. To most of those that know Christian doctrine, this is when red flags would be going off. Valley had a heavy emphasis on no premarital sex (even though I doubt everyone followed...) and also against being a single mother. In an ideal world, a girl and boy were supposed to wait till marriage until they procreate. Yet, as most of you know, that doesn't typically happen... haha
Well, Dave let her keep her privacy to herself so he doesn't know how it happened (well he did, but you know what I mean), but he just talked to her about what the life of a single mother is like, and how other things were going for. Dave told me that it was kinda strange to think that one person that had appeared so adamant for their faith had done something that was contradictory.
At this point, Dave noted that one of the first things that come to his mind was a note of her hypocrisy. It should seem so natural to point out that one of the strongest, or apparently strongest, did something she herself advised against. It would just be so easy to disdain her for her actions, label her as a hypocrite, and simply leave her at that.
But, Dave isn't one to do typical things of course... He said something that kinda struck me. Dave said something to the degree of, "You know, she probably had already gotten enough flak from her friends or family... She did something that most people wouldn't have guessed that would happen to her. Yet, can you imagine how hard her life must have become after it did happen? Not only did she have to raise a child by herself, but she was probably being criticized from friends and family, but hopefully not all of them. At that point, haven't they suffered enough and learned from their actions? The most that you can probably do to help them is just listen and hear them out, since that's something they probably don't get too much..."
Of course, Dave's words are kinda ringing and contrary to what we may instinctively feel. Why do we feel that way? Well, I sorta think that goes back to the idea of belief in a just world. I did write on this before, I believe, but for those of you that don't remember/didn't read so, but essentially this idea states that good things happen to good people, and bad things happen to bad people. This second part is what most people use to justify why they don't help those that are in need (such as homeless) or why they can disregard those who do things that are viewed by others as wrong. In this case, people may naturally feel as disregarding this girl and saying that she brought it upon herself so we can easily disregard her and her situation. Ironically, though, she's one of the ones that may need more of our help than others, not our disdain. And isn't that part of what we are called to do? Show love to others that are in need, and not just to those who we are comfortable around? Even if you think you may not be able to do something to show your love for another in need, listening is a big thing to help them out. I know I say this a lot, but really, just having someone to talk to can really help build bonds and help others figure out what they need to do. I know this is a tough message and a lot easier said than done because it's something I also struggle with, but just being aware of it helps us to make one step closer to being able to help out others that are in need...
Friday, October 15, 2010
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Hi, Alex again. Made my own blog, but I don't know what to write about... so I haven't really written anything...
ReplyDeleteAnyway.
It has always been my understanding that as a Christian, one is not to judge others - but then, there are many verses about judgement, and it can get confusing because as a Christian one is also expected to try showing lost neighbors to the light. So, I guess "not judging" someone doesn't mean that one should never be able to evaluate someone else's behavior, or even to conclude that the behavior is potentially wrong...
But one thing that bothers me is when people use this in a way to feel superior to others and condemn them. If someone strives to be ethical (whether Christian or not), the answer is probably not to come to superficial conclusions about others and to shut them out as a result. If you do that, where is the opportunity for anyone to grow? If I hold so tightly to my values and automatically condemn those who contradict them, am I really seeking to understand my position, or am I just trying to feel more secure about it?
I also like what Dave says on this. I mean, with regards to people changing, and how it is important to consider circumstances. I'm speaking generally, and not about the specific case you mentioned, but... you never know everything about someone else's circumstances, so perhaps there is some gray area when seeking to understand a situation. This is *not* to say that it's not someone's responsibility to do the right thing, despite hardship, but no one is perfect and sometimes making mistakes is the only way to learn. But if we shame someone, they are less likely to learn, and more likely to hide away (perpetuating the cycle of bad choices)
I read your other entry about how sometimes all someone needs is a listener, as opposed to someone to preach to them and try to persuade them. I think this is very apt. There are situations in which reaching out means giving advice and providing some direction, but sometimes reaching out just means acting as a non-judgmental support system by treating people with unconditional positive regard (the belief that one is always inherently worth something and at least capable of doing good, despite past choices).
I guess this is how I've come to understand it: Whether or not one looks to religion as their source of ethical direction, you can never change anyone else. Believing that someone *can* do the right thing is sometimes the best you can do for them, because if you try to pressure them they will probably shut you out as well as internalize the negative judgment. I remember thinking in church once that... well, if God is looking out for everyone's best interest, then it is not my responsibility to try to change anyone, just to work on myself and be compassionate. And to this day I think that if you help someone in need, they're more likely to be able to pull themselves out of bad circumstances. If we just ignore or criticize people... they are more likely to stay where they are.
An interesting example: I heard awhile ago about a Catholic school who actually provided, like, baby stuff to a teen mother who got pregnant. This was shocking, as Catholic faith also places a lot of emphasis on not having premarital sex (and many schools will expel a teenage girl who get pregnant. I wonder, do they expel the father if he also attends the school? But that's off topic). Yet when someone, in their view, "fell off the righteous path"... they tried to do as Jesus would do - help someone in need. Probably they were hoping that bettering someone's circumstances this way would help them gain the trust, self-confidence, resources and perspective to perhaps turn things around for themselves.
Hi, Alex again. Made my own blog, but I don't know what to write about... so I haven't really written anything...
ReplyDeleteAnyway. Part I (my whole comment is too long to be processed at once, hahaha):
It has always been my understanding that as a Christian, one is not to judge others - but then, there are many verses about judgement, and it can get confusing because as a Christian one is also expected to try showing lost neighbors to the light. So, I guess "not judging" someone doesn't mean that one should never be able to evaluate someone else's behavior, or even to conclude that the behavior is potentially wrong...
But one thing that bothers me is when people use this in a way to feel superior to others and condemn them. If someone strives to be ethical (whether Christian or not), the answer is probably not to come to superficial conclusions about others and to shut them out as a result. If you do that, where is the opportunity for anyone to grow? If I hold so tightly to my values and automatically condemn those who contradict them, am I really seeking to understand my position, or am I just trying to feel more secure about it?
I also like what Dave says on this. I mean, with regards to people changing, and how it is important to consider circumstances. I'm speaking generally, and not about the specific case you mentioned, but... you never know everything about someone else's circumstances, so perhaps there is some gray area when seeking to understand a situation. This is *not* to say that it's not someone's responsibility to do the right thing, despite hardship, but no one is perfect and sometimes making mistakes is the only way to learn. But if we shame someone, they are less likely to learn, and more likely to hide away (perpetuating the cycle of bad choices)
Part II
ReplyDeleteI read your other entry about how sometimes all someone needs is a listener, as opposed to someone to preach to them and try to persuade them. I think this is very apt. There are situations in which reaching out means giving advice and providing some direction, but sometimes reaching out just means acting as a non-judgmental support system by treating people with unconditional positive regard (the belief that one is always inherently worth something and at least capable of doing good, despite past choices).
I guess this is how I've come to understand it: Whether or not one looks to religion as their source of ethical direction, you can never change anyone else. Believing that someone *can* do the right thing is sometimes the best you can do for them, because if you try to pressure them they will probably shut you out as well as internalize the negative judgment. I remember thinking in church once that... well, if God is looking out for everyone's best interest, then it is not my responsibility to try to change anyone, just to work on myself and be compassionate. And to this day I think that if you help someone in need, they're more likely to be able to pull themselves out of bad circumstances. If we just ignore or criticize people... they are more likely to stay where they are.
An interesting example: I heard awhile ago about a Catholic school who actually provided, like, baby stuff to a teen mother who got pregnant. This was shocking, as Catholic faith also places a lot of emphasis on not having premarital sex (and many schools will expel a teenage girl who get pregnant. I wonder, do they expel the father if he also attends the school? But that's off topic). Yet when someone, in their view, "fell off the righteous path"... they tried to do as Jesus would do - help someone in need. Probably they were hoping that bettering someone's circumstances this way would help them gain the trust, self-confidence, resources and perspective to perhaps turn things around for themselves.
umm, in other words I like what you said and wanted to add to it, haha.
ReplyDeleteLol, thank you Alex! And yes, your words do provide an interesting point I actually haven't thought about too much yet. One of my future entries is probably going to be on what it means "to judge" since that always seems so ambiguous to me what the exact definition is, even though you seemed to have provided further insight...
ReplyDeleteAnd yeah, that is an interesting story about the Catholic School incident, and something that I didn't think would happen. It's good to see that people are trying to encourage change, though...
As for your own blog, just find something to write about! Haha, it's hard at first, but I bet you've got plenty of good ideas roaming around, esp. since you and Dave seem to e similar in that sense and talk a lot haha. Let me know once you post your first entry and I shall be glad to read it!